Today, I found an article, while browsing in the parenting article... on children starting to date. So I am once again, posting this up for parents out there to share together.
Happy Monday folks
Help! My child is going on a date!
15 November 2010 |
| Let your child know the ground rules before they go on their first date. |
By BRIGITTE ROZARIO
Has your child shown an interest in dating? Have you found yourself fearing the day when he or she will go on their first date?
If it's any consolation, you are not alone. You are in the same shoes as many parents who have had to allow their children out of the house on a date.
Lim Mee-Gaik, professor at Park University, San Antonio, United States, who has worked in marriage and family counselling, calls dating a progressive evolvement.
“It generally starts with friendships and as the relationship builds, individuals tend to show special interest for a specific person. It is important for teens to be exposed to a wide variety of friends. This enables them to interact with people from all walks of life. It also enables them to select individuals who have similar interests and enable them to select dates with desirable character traits.
“One of the common signs of 'dating readiness' is when they start being attentive to individuals of the other gender. Vast amounts of time, energy, and conversations with friends are focused on the party of interest. A great deal of planning is involved in being in the same vicinity as the party of interest. These 'accidental' meetings are signs of interest in the other gender,” she says.
Parents should not panic nor should they be indifferent about it.
Although your child's first date is a big step in your life, try not to make it a big deal as this will make your child nervous and apprehensive.
Try to avoid having a serious and long conversation about sex, pregnancy and the corrupt morals of society on the eve of the first date. Your child will not appreciate it and he/she will feel more stressed.
You should already have had that birds and bees talk years ago.
However, you should sit down and discuss ground rules, acceptable activities/behaviour and consequences to actions. Do this as gently, calmly and firmly as you can.
Lim suggests parents set the ground rules on:
Activities – Perhaps tell them they can start off with group activities in the initial dating period before proceeding to one-on-one dates.
Time frame – Initially, for just a few hours in the afternoon or early evening. Gradually easing this to a later time and longer time frame, depending on the child's age and whether it's a school night. Putting boundaries around the time frame enables parents to help balance their school, home, social, recreational and family activities, explains Lim.
“It is crucial for parents to know who their child is going out with and where will they be going on their date. For communication to be honest and upfront, it is important to establish a sense of trust between the parent and teen. This trust is established during the 'pre-dating' days.
“Parents ought to set some healthy expectations for the children. If honesty and open communication are established in the home, then teens tend to be honest and open about their dating activities. If there is a pattern of repeated dishonesty, then it is likely that teens will 'tell half truths' about their dating activities.
“Children and teens function better when there are some establish guidelines, expectations and structure. If too many rules and expectations exist, it may create rebelliousness or over-compliance in teens,” she says.
Here are some tips to help you along the way:
- Be firm in setting the ground rules. Let your child know the consequences / penalties of breaking those rules.
- Be honest and have an open relationship with your child. This way he or she will come to you if/when there are problems on the dating front.
- If your child is going on a date unchaperoned by an adult, make sure he/she has a way to call you in an emergency.
- Find out who your child is going on a date with and where they are going. If possible, invite them in so you can meet them. Get the date's telephone number and their parents' telephone number, if possible.
- Avoid following, spying or intruding on your child's date. Give your child the time and space and trust them enough to tell you about the date when they come home or the next day.
- Don't be suspicious if they don't tell you about the date. Children don't always confide in their parents but that doesn't mean anything bad/illegal/immoral happened.
- Be cool about the whole dating experience. Your child isn't going to get married to the next boy or girl he or she dates. They're just dating.
- Equip your child with the knowledge he or she needs – the consequences of staying out late, the consequences of having early and unprotected sex, the consequences of trusting the wrong person.
- Trust your child. Now that you've equipped your child with the knowledge, trust that he or she will do the right thing and not engage in illegal or immoral activities.
- Let your child know that whatever happens you will be there for them. Also, let them know that they don't have to participate in any activity they don't want to, even if everyone else is doing it. And that if they are uncomfortable at any point, to call you.
- If your child returns home late, past the agreed upon time, do not start yelling at your child and their date in front of the neighbours. Your child and his/her date won't appreciate it and neither will your family and/or the neighbours. Calm down. Discuss it the next morning after you and your child have had time to think about it.
Has your child shown an interest in dating? Have you found yourself fearing the day when he or she will go on their first date?
If it's any consolation, you are not alone. You are in the same shoes as many parents who have had to allow their children out of the house on a date.
Lim Mee-Gaik, professor at Park University, San Antonio, United States, who has worked in marriage and family counselling, calls dating a progressive evolvement.
“It generally starts with friendships and as the relationship builds, individuals tend to show special interest for a specific person. It is important for teens to be exposed to a wide variety of friends. This enables them to interact with people from all walks of life. It also enables them to select individuals who have similar interests and enable them to select dates with desirable character traits.
“One of the common signs of 'dating readiness' is when they start being attentive to individuals of the other gender. Vast amounts of time, energy, and conversations with friends are focused on the party of interest. A great deal of planning is involved in being in the same vicinity as the party of interest. These 'accidental' meetings are signs of interest in the other gender,” she says.
Parents should not panic nor should they be indifferent about it.
Although your child's first date is a big step in your life, try not to make it a big deal as this will make your child nervous and apprehensive.
Try to avoid having a serious and long conversation about sex, pregnancy and the corrupt morals of society on the eve of the first date. Your child will not appreciate it and he/she will feel more stressed.
You should already have had that birds and bees talk years ago.
However, you should sit down and discuss ground rules, acceptable activities/behaviour and consequences to actions. Do this as gently, calmly and firmly as you can.
Lim suggests parents set the ground rules on:
Activities – Perhaps tell them they can start off with group activities in the initial dating period before proceeding to one-on-one dates.
Time frame – Initially, for just a few hours in the afternoon or early evening. Gradually easing this to a later time and longer time frame, depending on the child's age and whether it's a school night. Putting boundaries around the time frame enables parents to help balance their school, home, social, recreational and family activities, explains Lim.
“It is crucial for parents to know who their child is going out with and where will they be going on their date. For communication to be honest and upfront, it is important to establish a sense of trust between the parent and teen. This trust is established during the 'pre-dating' days.
“Parents ought to set some healthy expectations for the children. If honesty and open communication are established in the home, then teens tend to be honest and open about their dating activities. If there is a pattern of repeated dishonesty, then it is likely that teens will 'tell half truths' about their dating activities.
“Children and teens function better when there are some establish guidelines, expectations and structure. If too many rules and expectations exist, it may create rebelliousness or over-compliance in teens,” she says.
Here are some tips to help you along the way:
- Be firm in setting the ground rules. Let your child know the consequences / penalties of breaking those rules.
- Be honest and have an open relationship with your child. This way he or she will come to you if/when there are problems on the dating front.
- If your child is going on a date unchaperoned by an adult, make sure he/she has a way to call you in an emergency.
- Find out who your child is going on a date with and where they are going. If possible, invite them in so you can meet them. Get the date's telephone number and their parents' telephone number, if possible.
- Avoid following, spying or intruding on your child's date. Give your child the time and space and trust them enough to tell you about the date when they come home or the next day.
- Don't be suspicious if they don't tell you about the date. Children don't always confide in their parents but that doesn't mean anything bad/illegal/immoral happened.
- Be cool about the whole dating experience. Your child isn't going to get married to the next boy or girl he or she dates. They're just dating.
- Equip your child with the knowledge he or she needs – the consequences of staying out late, the consequences of having early and unprotected sex, the consequences of trusting the wrong person.
- Trust your child. Now that you've equipped your child with the knowledge, trust that he or she will do the right thing and not engage in illegal or immoral activities.
- Let your child know that whatever happens you will be there for them. Also, let them know that they don't have to participate in any activity they don't want to, even if everyone else is doing it. And that if they are uncomfortable at any point, to call you.
- If your child returns home late, past the agreed upon time, do not start yelling at your child and their date in front of the neighbours. Your child and his/her date won't appreciate it and neither will your family and/or the neighbours. Calm down. Discuss it the next morning after you and your child have had time to think about it.
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