French same-sex couple: Why we tied the knot

Quote from the article : "One of the reasons we want children is because children have no judgement, and we want to break down society's barriers."

Everyone of us may have our different opinions of every different things and matters under the bright blue skies, but we should also not condemn others for their way of life. What they say is true, best way to "educate"... is start young. Don´t be prejudice or judgmental just because someone is slightly different from you.

Link to the article : French same-sex couple: Why we tied the knot

French same-sex couple: Why we tied the knot

By Saskya Vandoorne and Peter Wilkinson, CNN

May 30, 2013 -- Updated 1112 GMT (1912 HKT)

France's first same-sex wedding

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• Two men explain why they have become France's first same-sex married couple
• Bruno Boileau said he loved Vincent Autin's "charisma, sensibility, determination"
• They also want to build family and teach future generations to end prejudices
• Couple thank those who helped win controversial right for gay couples to marry

Editor's note: What are your thoughts on France's first same sex marriage? Share your views.

Montpellier (CNN) -- Two men who have become France's first same-sex married couple have opened their hearts about the special qualities in each other that made them want to spend the rest of their lives together.

In the nervous minutes leading up to Wednesday's groundbreaking ceremony in the southern city of Montpellier, Bruno Boileau said he adored Vincent Autin's "charisma, his ability to appease me, calm me down ... also his sensibility and his determination."

And returning the warmth, Autin told CNN in the couple's only interview on their wedding day: "What I love about him is his objectivity and the way he protects me. He is my great protector."

But their marriage is not just about their love; they also want to build a family and, perhaps, teach future generations how to break down prejudices.

Open Mic: Same-sex marriage

A day in the life of same-sex marriage

"We want children, we want to pass down values that are important to us, that we hold dear, that are right. And we want grandchildren and great-grandchildren, a real family," Autin said.

"One of the reasons we want children is because children have no judgement, and we want to break down society's barriers."

He added that "when French children are born into this world, they are born with the same rights as everyone else -- but from the moment you said you were a homosexual, society deprived you of some of those rights. Today the French Republic has given these rights back to us."

The 40-year-old, who works for Montpellier's tourism office, expressed his gratitude to those who had helped win the controversial right for same-sex couples to marry, legislation that was signed into law 10 days ago by President Francois Hollande.

"We are very nervous, but obviously excited. This is a step forward for France. What's happened today is thanks to everybody who has been so mobilized over the past few months."

The change in the law has not been without its opponents, prompting sometimes-violent demonstrations of hundreds of thousands of people across France. "It's very sad that they turned violent," Autin said. "It's always so surprising to feel so attacked, but you must remember this was a minority and most people are in favor. This proves that love can triumph over hatred."

"So thankful to those who helped us come to this moment. Some of the people we're referring to have passed away, such as Harvey Milk [the first openly gay American elected to public office] who was a great inspiration."

Autin described how the couple met seven years ago. While surfing the net at the same time, they both chanced on an online fan forum for a pop star who found fame on a show similar to "Pop Idol." A group of people decided to go for lunch, after which he and Boileau, a 30-year-old civil servant, became inseparable.

Like many a couple tying the knot, Autin declined to give details about what outfits they would wear, but he did confide what both parties hoped to get out of the big day: "Obviously love, but also a great party."

3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married

Something interesting I stumbled upon while browsing thru the news feed of my facebook today as I sat here scanning thru more devastating news about the upcoming election of Malaysia. So.... instead of drowning myself with more sorrowful, corrupting and bad news about how BN is trying their utmost best to win the nation back, I decided to steer clear from that topic and settled on something I saw...... 3 things I wish I knew before we got married....

The article is very interesting to read and also something for every man and lady to think about as they venture into a marriage or are in a marriage. Sometimes, some things aren´t fixed the way you are used to have it be...... sometimes it´s not about how much you give or contribute but also the end factor or the "rewards" you reap from giving instead of taking.

Take a moment to read *something different* other than the daily ongoing of politics, wars and crimes =p *Cheers*




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 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married


I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.

Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.

This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.

This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.

However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.

According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.


Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight.
The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.

1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.

Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.

I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.

The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.

Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.

I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.

When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.

2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.


When we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.


However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt.

For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.

To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.

Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

3. Marriage can change the world.

John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a Christian biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?”

Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.

In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior.

What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.

Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”?

“Go home and love your wife.”

Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”

The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.

So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.

Thursday September 29, 2011

Remembering Soo, the service dog

WHEEL POWER
By ANTHONY THANASAYAN

Farewell Soo, loyal companion and dear friend.

THERE was great sadness in my home last week. Soolam, my senior service dog, was put down. He was 13. The decision to euthanise Soo, as my other dogs and I fondly knew him, was not at all easy.
The move was quickly reached when the Golden Retriever could no longer stand or walk. He could not even eat his meals without throwing up.

However, everything about Soo’s final journey on earth turned out to be as intriguing and uncanny as the day when he first arrived.

He was barely two months old then. The pup was a gift from a couple who were doctors. The purpose was to see if a retriever could make a good service dog.

Friend for life: The writer spending precious moments with Soo before he was euthanised.

 

He needed to be fed as many as four times a day. I had to clean up after a dog that seemed to have an endless supply of poo.

The most difficult part, however, was to grab the pup and put him back in his crate. Fortunately, his senior canine partners literally lent their paws to solve the problem.

Soo had a knack of chasing the big dogs around the house. One of them would cleverly use the situation to dash back to me so that I could grab Soo.

The experience of raising and training Soo helped to psyche me up. And as for Soo, he went on to become a service dog that was parallel to none.

He was the perfect companion to attend meetings with. He’d been to church numerous times and even stayed completely unnoticed at government meetings. Some of the chairpersons discovered his presence only after the event.

He has helped me in unusual places, too. These include in the toilet at the United Nations building in Kuala Lumpur (when my shoe was out of reach and the soap fell on the floor).

He also sat through a serious discussion with people with AIDS at the Malaysian AIDS Council.
On top of all these, Soo had appeared scores of times in the media which included newspapers, TV and radio. He was the main star of a special video which featured my service dogs.

Once when I was caught in a 30-minute thunderstorm in a forest, Soo chose to get drenched with me in the heavy downpour rather than seek shelter elsewhere.

In his more than a decade of service, Soo relished his car rides the most – so much so that I became his private chauffeur. We must have travelled thousands of kilometres over the decade and only once, in all those years, did he throw up in the back seat.

Once our adventure led us all the way to Penang on a gruelling 24-hour trip where Soo performed and wowed several hundred people at a dog event with his service dog skills.

On that fateful Sunday morning, an extremely feeble Soo looked straight into my eyes. It was as if he was telling me to be strong for him and do the right thing to painlessly end his suffering.
He never once whimpered or flinched. He took every opportunity to lay his head on my shoulder or hands whenever I was by his side.

Despite the pain, Soo remained resolute and dignified in the back seat of my car during his final journey to the veterinarian. He was on my lap with his head held high as I wheeled into the clinic.
I made sure that my hero fell asleep before he entered into eternal sleep. The clinic didn’t charge me anything for putting a great dog down.

Another doctor, who is an expert in dog show winning breeds, offered to bury Soo in his yard at home.

My king, I’m proud to say, is now privileged to be the only retriever laid to rest with other national and international champion Doberman and German Shepherd Dog breeds that have crossed over the rainbow bridge before him.

Even more amazing is the fact that Soo is buried in the home of the mother of my latest and youngest service dog candidate, Dobe Ace Zhar the Doberman.

Last Saturday, Zhar and I were at an international dog show in KL with more than 200 dogs from all over Asia. And although I was the only person in a wheelchair there, Zhar stuck close to me much like Soo used to do during happier days.

And by a very strange coincidence, Zhar kept climbing up on my lap several times as if to say: “Don’t worry, you’re safe now. I’m with you.”

Angels don’t always come with wings; sometimes they have tails, even if it happens to be a rather short one.

Good morning everyone!

Its a bright cheerie Monday Morning....... the roads in KL were clear and no congestion to work...... boss comes in totally angry in the morning..... paper work piled up on my desk together with all the month end reports and bla bla bla...... xD ROFL great way to start Monday Morning, although my mood is still cheerie.... muahahahahahahahaha ^^ 

Anyways, I was reading the online paper earlier... and found this extremely interesting article for everyone to read.... ^^

Cheekily saying : Folks, lets gear up for more sex instead of restraining ourselves of enjoyment ;)

Happy Monday and Happy working week everyone :)

Monday May 31, 2010

Award-winning teacher’s secret – reading and sex

By R.S.N.MURALI
newsdesk@thestar.com.my

KUALA TERENGGANU: Reading and having sex nightly. That, says Tokoh Nilam award winner Alias Ismail, is the secret to his seemingly boundless energy during the day.

Even his colleagues have been left wondering how the teacher manages to remain energetic enough to conduct additional co-curriculum activities until the late evening.

Alias Ismail

 

“They always ask me whether I consume jamu (traditional herbs) to keep me going,” said the 41-year-old yesterday.

“Often, they are astonished when I tell them that it’s actually an active sex life and reading that makes one healthy, wealthy and wise.”

Alias is the inaugural recipient of the state-initiated award to honour a teacher who has managed outstanding achievements in education.He received the award from Mentri Besar Datuk Ahmad Said at Dewan Al-Muktafi Billah Shah, Universiti Darul Iman Malaysia here.Alias also received a sponsored package to perform the haj.

The father of four said he made it a point to have sex daily before he and his wife retired for the night and felt it made him more agile and active.

“A good and legitimate sexual relationship is a kind of energy booster for me and my wife that has not only kept our marriage ties cordial but also made our bodies and brains functioning remarkably,” he added.

Alias, who teaches Bahasa Malaysia at SMK Menerong in Hulu Terengganu, said he was able to concentrate on his work after a “blissful” night with his wife.

He added that it was also a nightly ritual for both him and his wife, Rosmahwati Abdullah, 41, to read a few pages of a book and have an intellectual conversation before moving on to other “activities”.

The couple have been doing this since their marriage 25 years ago and they have a collection of 1,000 books, including romance novels.

He has also shared his secret with his eldest son, now 23.

 

A very interesting article, although... its like 2 years too late now.. ROFL....

Well, I agree with the writer of this article that both parents are to be blamed... but then again, he never was here physically emotionally and mentally for both me and our daughter....so... lolx.... all he ever knew back then was work and gaming, though I don´t know how much that changes now and besides, it doesn´t make a difference anymore...

But nevertheless, parents out there... before you come to a mistake like me.... read on...

Is your spouse a bad parent?

22 March 2010

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

The definition of a bad parent is very subjective. It could be someone who neglects, abandons or abuses his children. Or it could even be a parent who provides financially but isn't there emotionally or psychologically for the children.

If you are reading this article, chances are you think your spouse isn't committed enough to the children or isn't spending enough time with your kids.

Family life educator Charis Patrick says it does happen and it's not always the dad, too. Even mums are sometimes guilty of this.

She explains that sometimes it is because the parent feels they are not ready for a baby and would rather run away from the responsibility.

“If your marriage is at a stage where you can communicate then I would suggest you talk it out with your spouse.

“Tell him or her that this is your child and you can't cope by yourself and you both need to take care of the child together.

“If he or she still cannot be bothered then I think you have to carry out your parenting role the best that you can while continuously trying to bring your spouse in,” says Patrick.

Assign tasks

She advises the responsible parent to study the strengths of their spouse. If the hands-off parent is not good at changing diapers or managing the child's meals, then perhaps give him or her some other task such as taking care of the money.

This means that when the child starts going to school, the job of liaising with the school will fall on one parent and the job of giving out the pocket money will be the other parent's job.

“Don't suddenly give your spouse 10 tasks to do. He or she will be so overwhelmed. Perhaps you could start with three things to begin with that you know he or she will be quite willing to take up. Or ask him/her: 'I know you feel overwhelmed with childcare, what are the three things you would like to start with?'

“When your spouse feels it is possible maybe he or she will feel motivated to come in and join you in this parenting journey,” she adds.

If your children are already schoolgoing they will tell you if they think dad or mum isn't spending enough time with them.

However, for smaller children you would be planning their routine and it would be up to you to monitor if your spouse isn't spending enough time with them.

“A very common scenario is when you want to take the family out but your husband does nothing about it and seems disinterested. I would tell the woman to plan and propose the outing and get him to approve it. Just tell him the time and date, tell him when to take leave and then make it happen. And, really hope that he enjoys that time so that he will be motivated to do it again the next time,” says Patrick.

Alternatively, you could tell him to plan the next outing. That's another way to get him involved.

Don't overdo it

If your spouse is assigned to plan an outing and he fails to plan anything, don't drive yourself crazy trying to organise that outing for him.

Let the whole family go through the consequence of him failing to plan the outing.

“As much as you guide and support, sometimes you just have to let the family enjoy the natural consequences so that he will sense the disappointment of the children and he will be motivated the next time to do better and not disappoint the whole family,” says Patrick.

She warns parents, especially women, not to overdo it when it comes to planning routines and outings for the family. There is the risk that you are so good at planning that your spouse acknowledges it and insists you keep doing it.

She explains that typically women tend to do too much in some families. What happens then is that the wife/mother is so efficient that she does all the tasks herself, not leaving space for her husband to play his role as the father.
 

Patrick: 'If you step back will your spouse step in to do more?'

“You have to see the dynamics. If you step back will your spouse step in to do more? And if your spouse is really quite bad at parenting, then you may have to maintain a lot of the responsibility for a while for the sake of the children. Meanwhile continue that negotiation with your spouse. You won't know how he will respond until you try so maybe you should learn how to take a step back. It's quite difficult for some women who have an overperforming role.”

Golf and holiday dads

How about the once-a-year-holiday dads or the golf dads?

Patrick reminds parents that relationships are not built on once-a-year vacations. Building a relationship is a daily affair. The same goes for golf dads who work hard and then play golf on the weekends, leaving the wife to handle the family.
 

“Honestly speaking it doesn't take a lot for a golf-playing dad to just make sure when he comes back from work every day that he connects with his child. If they are small, read to them a bedtime story. If they are teenagers, talk to them about their world views, their thinking or about their day. And that will be the great connect when you go for your annual vacation.

“It doesn't work if you have not been connecting day to day and suddenly you go for a vacation together. You won't know how to be together for 24 hours a day in a resort. It is meaningless if you go for a family holiday when you're all off doing your own thing (instead of spending time together).

“If you ask me if taking a family vacation will make up for the lost time on a regular basis, I will say no,” says Patrick.

If, despite all your efforts, your spouse still insists he or she has no time for the children because he or she has to work, then there needs to be a conversation between the husband and wife.

Perhaps a compromise can be met whereby your spouse agrees to come home early once a week. It needs to be early enough to see the children before they go to bed.

“Those who have a choice need to make their children a priority. Some families really have no choice because they need to work hard and work overtime because they need the money to keep the family going.

“The wonderful thing is that if the child knows you are working super hard to pay the bills and therefore you have no time for them usually they will understand. If you have a choice to come back but prefer to be out or spend time with other people, they will know that you don't care about them,” she explains.

What if your spouse really does want to do more but he or she is really bad at certain tasks that even your child prefers you to do it? For example, your child might prefer you to do crafts with her because dad just messes it up.

“For me, as long as he's prepared to step in it's a very good sign. It may not be up to your standard and perhaps you will just have to suffer that lower standard for a while. Whether the child is happy or not is less important than dad's involvement because his involvement is a long-term plan. He needs time to grow into that role. Unless you give him the time and space to grow, mature and be good at that, he will never learn and the last thing you want to do is push him out of that role.

“I think men need a lot of encouragement for the small achievements. Don't put them down.”

The ex-spouse

What happens if the hands-off and non-committal parent is your ex-husband or ex-wife? It could be that they're not spending enough time with the children or they want to take the children out for a treat at 10pm on a school night.

Says Patrick:

“If the 'bad' parent is an ex-spouse, I will explain to the child that because daddy and mummy live in different households, we have different families and different rules now. You could perhaps say, 'I know that when you go there you are allowed to play games the whole day and indulge. Because that is not my family anymore, I can't say anything but I want to let you know that when you come back to my family, my rules apply.'

“The child needs to know that. If the child is mature enough, I will try to explain the consequences to all the things that they are allowed to indulge in at the other parent's house.

“I would be very honest and tell the child that I have no control on what happens on the other side but perhaps they might want to think it through on their own and make their own decisions. This way, if your ex-spouse wants to take them out late on a school night, they can then choose whether to go or not. At least you plant that thought in the child to let him or her know that they have a choice.

“I would never attempt to change the other parent who is an ex-spouse, but I would let the child know that when they are with me my rules still apply and they have a choice when they are in the other parent's house. And I would remind myself not to say bad things about the other person.

“If your ex-spouse wants to take the children out on a school night when the child is with you, then I would put my foot down. The child needs some routine. Explain to your ex that the children would love to go out with her/him but not tonight because it's a school night.

“It may not be easy but if I have custody then I would do what's in the best interest of the child. I would then say 'No' and the other parent has no right to come and take my child because it's outside of their visitation time/rights with the child. Still, be very cordial about it. It's important not to get emotional because that's when it's very bad for the child because the child will feel very torn.”

She says that parents should never try to explain or make excuses for the other party because you can never be accurate. Even if you manage to, you'll probably be half lying and the child will know it.

If you are divorced, it is best not to try and control what happens when your children are with their other parent.

Your children will eventually realise that you have very little say in what happens on the other side and when you're transparent and honest they will really appreciate you.

Disciplining your child can be hard... especially when you´re the only one doing it. Sometimes, my daughter can be a big big problem, other times no.... Sometimes I feel bad being the bad guy always disciplining her......

Seems just like yesterday when I remember talking to my ex husband bout disciplining our kids when we have kids of our own next time. I used to tell him..... the house everything, I´ll gladly handle... disciplining and upbringing, well that´s your job.... but then... in a blink of an eye, wham.... seems like I ended up doing everything on my own now, with the help of my dad. Sighs.... merely dreams of a foolish woman.... a dream to have a family... happiness.....

The court hearing for our divorce was today, earlier in the morning... what seemed to be an hour or so hearing took the whole day to accomplish! But, finally everything is over... in 3 months time, we are officially divorced by law too. In a huge way I have this sense of relief to have it all gone and done with. In another, the hurt and pain surfaces like hell.

Aye, my daughter and I.... in a huge way we miss him... but then in this 1 1/2 years time of not seeing him, we grew accustom to not having him in our lives..... then now, to abide to the visitation rights of my ex husband, I really am not keen on it as I dont want to put my daughter thru the emotional trauma once again.... but then... on his side, they say everything is ok.... children grow to live with it. How I wonder what do they actually know about children...... ? Doesn´t mean that children go through emotional stress and traumas, they tell us all the time... but who am I to say? If he wants to trigger every damn thing in our daughter again, what and who am I to go against it?

Sometimes, the only regret I ever feel is this feeling of ever even telling him I was pregnant 3 years ago. If I had just left him and born my daughter on my own, none of this shit will ever happen.... but oh well... love creates strange wonders at times..... I can only just live with the hurt together with my daughter once all over again.

Have fun reading this article on How to discipline your child... and remember, while disciplining him / her, make sure... love from the whole family exists... that´s the most crucial part, in my personal opinion....

How to discipline your child

22 February 2010

While all parents believe that discipline is important, they are divided over the use of the cane.

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

Discipline is a scary word for children as well as parents. For children it is often interpreted as punishment of some sort. For parents, it means setting the rules and making sure they are adhered to.

Nobody likes discipline yet all parents agree it is something that needs to be done so that the children do not turn out to be spoilt brats. However, parents are divided over the methods for disciplining.

Family life educator Charis Patrick says that discipline is not just about punishment.

“A lot of people think that discipline equals punishment. It carries that negative connotation. We have to know that punishment is just a subset of discipline. Discipline is simply defined as guiding a child to go in the way that he or she should go. Part of it involves punishing the child when they do wrong. It also involves affirming them, rewarding and encouraging them if they do something right. Discipline has a lot of positive connotations that we tend to miss out on.

Patrick: 'Being a role model is the most powerful way to teach your children.'

“Being a role model is the most powerful way to teach your children because truly it is about 'monkey see, monkey do', especially when they're very young and impressionable.”

She advocates three principles when it comes to disciplining the children:

* Be consistent.

The rules in your family and home need to be the same every day even though you are tempted to be lax sometimes, especially when you're tired.

If the rule is “no TV until all the homework is done” then that rule needs to stand every school day until it becomes a habit for the children. If you compromise on that rule just one time, it will be all that much harder to enforce it after that.

* Be persistent.

When you say something, follow it through and don't leave it for the child to decide.

In the case of the TV rule, this means as soon as they're done with their homework you tell them they can now go and watch TV. Don't wait for them to ask you.

* Be firm.

A lot of parents become emotional instead of being firm; they forget that they need to uphold the principle. There's no point in yelling and screaming because the child will not get the information we are conveying. They just look at your angry face and feel very rejected or angry. It's always better to be firm rather than fierce.

Positive parenting

Patrick says positive parenting is best.

“I think eventually you have to use less of the cane and do more explaining which is more time consuming. The good thing about the cane is that it's very fast, but it may not be sustainable. You spank them and they may stop behaving badly for a while but they might do it again,” she says.

According to Patrick, ideally parents should calm down first before meting out punishment. If they're very angry then they must calm down before talking to the child.

“Cool down first, exit the scene if you need to, don't face your child then. Some days the children can really drive us up the wall.

“If you really cannot handle it then, try taking a shower to cool down. Amazingly when you come back and re-address the issue you'll be in a better place to handle it,” she adds.

The cane or a time-out?

Parents are divided over the use of the cane. The cane, if you use it, should be reserved for very serious mistakes and outright rebellion and it should be the very last resort when everything else has failed to work.

Patrick says that if the cane is used then use it only once and the rest of the time it is only in the house to instil fear in the child so that they do not behave that badly again.

While a time-out works for some small children, it doesn't work for all.

Patrick says this method hasn't worked on her children so she has hardly used it.

Giving in to tantrums

She warns parents against giving children accidental rewards for misbehaving.

“Sometimes, as parents, while we think we are parenting, we are actually causing our children to misbehave more.

“For example, if they throw a tantrum in a public place and we can't appease them. We don't know how to handle it so we tell them that if they stop we will buy them something. So the child will think, 'Okay when I throw a tantrum my mummy will buy me something'.

“It happens subtly but very often,” she says.

Patrick advises parents to ignore the tantrums. Children use tantrums to get what they want and the bigger the audience, the longer the tantrum lasts.

“If you ignore them then they will know that no matter how big a tantrum they throw it's of no use because there's no reaction from you,” she says.

Removing privileges

Toddlers are too young to understand if you remove privileges but it should work on preschoolers and those older. Removing privileges works best on teenagers.

“For preschoolers, you could tell them they can't watch their favourite TV show instead of saying no TV. You have to be very precise and you have to make sure you follow through.

“Removing privileges will work better for older children. When you withdraw the privileges you have to give it a very specific time limit and you have to follow through. I can be very honest with you, when Friday, Saturday and Sunday comes it will be very difficult to say No to your child. But one week means one week, so you have to persist.”

Common problems

If there are different sets of rules at home and at the babysitter then it will be very confusing for the child. The first thing to do is to communicate with the babysitter and see if you can align the rules. Ideally, the babysitter will be able to follow through with your rules. If she keeps going against what you are teaching your child and it really has adverse effects, then it's time to consider getting a new babysitter.

If you have to leave the child with a helper and your parent, then have a conference with everyone to make an announcement that you have to work and when you're not around, in order for things to go well for the child, that both parents have decided that “kakak” (the helper) will have the responsibility of taking care of the child.

All parties need to know that if there are any complaints then you will hear out all sides so that no one side is favoured. If the child “bullies” kakak, then the child knows that there will be punishment involved.

What if you live with your in-laws and they say “No” to discipline? In such a situation, Patrick advises parents to discipline the child in private.

If the husband and wife have different standards, that's even more difficult but quite common, too. In that case, Patrick advises having a specialisation of labour. Both the parents would need to sit down and discuss it. Perhaps the mother would then have the final say on discipline issues at home and the father would have the final say on discipline when you go out.

It is important that both parents show the children a united front when disciplining. This way, the children will know they cannot break this unity and the authority figure is unshakeable.

Profanity

The use of profanity by children is increasingly a problem these days.

Instead of teaching children that they shouldn't use such words, it is better to teach them that they can choose to use better words, says Patrick.

“I would say to my child: 'I know that when you're very, very angry there are certain words that seem to almost make you feel good. I want to tell you that those words will only make you feel good for a little while. But what it goes forth to do can be very, very hurtful. I know it's so very difficult to control but the next time you are very, very angry you think about this and you can choose to scold people or to keep quiet or walk away.'

“Give them options so that from very young they know they can choose how to respond. When they know they can choose, they don't feel limited. In future, when they feel themselves getting upset, they don't just have one channel to let out their emotions; maybe they will have four channels because they have four options,” she says.

Teenagers

It is not too late to start disciplining a child once they reach adolescent years. However, Patrick advocates building the relationship first.

“Let's say you never built that relationship foundation during the growing years and now they are 10 years old and you have a rebellious child. Forget about discipline for a while. Instead, focus on building that relationship. My experience is that if you've never really disciplined them and then at 10 you want to start, whatever you do is very limited. You need to build the bridge until you earn their respect, then only can you think of discipline,” she says.

Patrick explains that with teenagers it is often hard to discern if they're trying to be an individual or rebellious.

“When they are teenagers don't just look at the outward change because even if they love you, they will never tell you. If they have to tell you thank you for everything then they won't feel like an adult. Being teenagers they want to feel like an individual and if they feel like they have to appreciate you then they are being less of an individual.

“If the child feels secure and proper space is given then the child feels like an individual. It's only when the child feels perpetually put down that he feels all the more he has to rise up to prove to you that he is an individual and an adult and that he needs his freedom,” she says.

Children need discipline

There's no way to avoid disciplining your children.

Patrick says, “I must discipline my child. That is my responsibility. You only push your child away when you keep punishing them but in the whole concept of discipline, there is not just punishment. There is also affirming them, standing by them when they fail, still believing in them, cheerleading them on, giving rewards, being with them and building that relationship.

“Research has proven that the moment you stop disciplining your child in the holistic sense, the child becomes highly insecure. A child needs boundaries to push and when you don't draw those boundaries for them they feel highly insecure.”

Chinese New Year

The 3rd day of Chinese New Year....... The weather is freakingly pathetically hot... I can barely handle the heat, not even my beloved daughter....

We have been travelling alot during these past few days and eating non stop since the Eve of Chinese New Year. Its amazing how much we have eaten the past few days... *groans* my poor poor hard earned diet and slim body..... stuffed like a stuffed pig.. omigosh.... Somehow I can´t wait till Chinese New Year is officially over and we can go back to our normal lives and stop eating XD

It´s quite a quiet chinese new year this year for the both of us, only venturing back to my father´s hometown and visiting his relatives in Perak and Klang. Haven´t even started on Mum´s side at all. We didn´t go back to my ex husband´s place. Felt not right... especially when the thing hasn´t finalized, nor that the fact my daughter havent seen her father in a year already. Don´t really want to trigger her emotional part once again. It´s painful to see her go thru that once again.

Anyways... this is a good year. I didn´t give any ang paos, or also known as Red Packets, this year. Well.. first of, I´m divorced. Yea, so I have a kid.. but that doesnt mean that having a kid means you need to give... besides, not like the man continues giving after he divorces anyways... so... go figure..... I don´t wanna waste any excessive money on Chinese New Year, especially not when I am no more married... so people out there that wanna ´poke my ass´ over this matter... go do it..... If you really read up your history or whatever you wanna call it, the Ang Paos are given sincerely and not forcefully ^^ So I sincerely will not give... even if I do plan to give... I only give to my peers´ children... So if you are in the same batch as me and not married... sorry babes.. ^^

I cannot imagine, this is the 4th year and my final year of my marriage and it ends at the beginning of the year. With it closes the chapter of my life that I never knew would ever close. With it seals the fate of a 10 year long relationship and love. Moving on, there are many winding roads ahead, some are painful to walk and some uncertain while some roads are already there but many obstacles.

Irregardless of it, I still need to walk down this road, be strong... for the sake of myself and my beautiful growing daughter...

Happy CHinese New Year folks