Seems just like yesterday when I remember talking to my ex husband bout disciplining our kids when we have kids of our own next time. I used to tell him..... the house everything, I´ll gladly handle... disciplining and upbringing, well that´s your job.... but then... in a blink of an eye, wham.... seems like I ended up doing everything on my own now, with the help of my dad. Sighs.... merely dreams of a foolish woman.... a dream to have a family... happiness.....
The court hearing for our divorce was today, earlier in the morning... what seemed to be an hour or so hearing took the whole day to accomplish! But, finally everything is over... in 3 months time, we are officially divorced by law too. In a huge way I have this sense of relief to have it all gone and done with. In another, the hurt and pain surfaces like hell.
Aye, my daughter and I.... in a huge way we miss him... but then in this 1 1/2 years time of not seeing him, we grew accustom to not having him in our lives..... then now, to abide to the visitation rights of my ex husband, I really am not keen on it as I dont want to put my daughter thru the emotional trauma once again.... but then... on his side, they say everything is ok.... children grow to live with it. How I wonder what do they actually know about children...... ? Doesn´t mean that children go through emotional stress and traumas, they tell us all the time... but who am I to say? If he wants to trigger every damn thing in our daughter again, what and who am I to go against it?
Sometimes, the only regret I ever feel is this feeling of ever even telling him I was pregnant 3 years ago. If I had just left him and born my daughter on my own, none of this shit will ever happen.... but oh well... love creates strange wonders at times..... I can only just live with the hurt together with my daughter once all over again.
Have fun reading this article on How to discipline your child... and remember, while disciplining him / her, make sure... love from the whole family exists... that´s the most crucial part, in my personal opinion....
How to discipline your child
22 February 2010 |
| While all parents believe that discipline is important, they are divided over the use of the cane. |
By BRIGITTE ROZARIO
Discipline is a scary word for children as well as parents. For children it is often interpreted as punishment of some sort. For parents, it means setting the rules and making sure they are adhered to.
Nobody likes discipline yet all parents agree it is something that needs to be done so that the children do not turn out to be spoilt brats. However, parents are divided over the methods for disciplining.
Family life educator Charis Patrick says that discipline is not just about punishment.
“A lot of people think that discipline equals punishment. It carries that negative connotation. We have to know that punishment is just a subset of discipline. Discipline is simply defined as guiding a child to go in the way that he or she should go. Part of it involves punishing the child when they do wrong. It also involves affirming them, rewarding and encouraging them if they do something right. Discipline has a lot of positive connotations that we tend to miss out on.
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| Patrick: 'Being a role model is the most powerful way to teach your children.' |
“Being a role model is the most powerful way to teach your children because truly it is about 'monkey see, monkey do', especially when they're very young and impressionable.”
She advocates three principles when it comes to disciplining the children:
* Be consistent.
The rules in your family and home need to be the same every day even though you are tempted to be lax sometimes, especially when you're tired.
If the rule is “no TV until all the homework is done” then that rule needs to stand every school day until it becomes a habit for the children. If you compromise on that rule just one time, it will be all that much harder to enforce it after that.
* Be persistent.
When you say something, follow it through and don't leave it for the child to decide.
In the case of the TV rule, this means as soon as they're done with their homework you tell them they can now go and watch TV. Don't wait for them to ask you.
* Be firm.
A lot of parents become emotional instead of being firm; they forget that they need to uphold the principle. There's no point in yelling and screaming because the child will not get the information we are conveying. They just look at your angry face and feel very rejected or angry. It's always better to be firm rather than fierce.
Positive parenting
Patrick says positive parenting is best.
“I think eventually you have to use less of the cane and do more explaining which is more time consuming. The good thing about the cane is that it's very fast, but it may not be sustainable. You spank them and they may stop behaving badly for a while but they might do it again,” she says.
According to Patrick, ideally parents should calm down first before meting out punishment. If they're very angry then they must calm down before talking to the child.
“Cool down first, exit the scene if you need to, don't face your child then. Some days the children can really drive us up the wall.
“If you really cannot handle it then, try taking a shower to cool down. Amazingly when you come back and re-address the issue you'll be in a better place to handle it,” she adds.
The cane or a time-out?
Parents are divided over the use of the cane. The cane, if you use it, should be reserved for very serious mistakes and outright rebellion and it should be the very last resort when everything else has failed to work.
Patrick says that if the cane is used then use it only once and the rest of the time it is only in the house to instil fear in the child so that they do not behave that badly again.
While a time-out works for some small children, it doesn't work for all.
Patrick says this method hasn't worked on her children so she has hardly used it.
Giving in to tantrums
She warns parents against giving children accidental rewards for misbehaving.
“Sometimes, as parents, while we think we are parenting, we are actually causing our children to misbehave more.
“For example, if they throw a tantrum in a public place and we can't appease them. We don't know how to handle it so we tell them that if they stop we will buy them something. So the child will think, 'Okay when I throw a tantrum my mummy will buy me something'.
“It happens subtly but very often,” she says.
Patrick advises parents to ignore the tantrums. Children use tantrums to get what they want and the bigger the audience, the longer the tantrum lasts.
“If you ignore them then they will know that no matter how big a tantrum they throw it's of no use because there's no reaction from you,” she says.
Removing privileges
Toddlers are too young to understand if you remove privileges but it should work on preschoolers and those older. Removing privileges works best on teenagers.
“For preschoolers, you could tell them they can't watch their favourite TV show instead of saying no TV. You have to be very precise and you have to make sure you follow through.
“Removing privileges will work better for older children. When you withdraw the privileges you have to give it a very specific time limit and you have to follow through. I can be very honest with you, when Friday, Saturday and Sunday comes it will be very difficult to say No to your child. But one week means one week, so you have to persist.”
Common problems
If there are different sets of rules at home and at the babysitter then it will be very confusing for the child. The first thing to do is to communicate with the babysitter and see if you can align the rules. Ideally, the babysitter will be able to follow through with your rules. If she keeps going against what you are teaching your child and it really has adverse effects, then it's time to consider getting a new babysitter.
If you have to leave the child with a helper and your parent, then have a conference with everyone to make an announcement that you have to work and when you're not around, in order for things to go well for the child, that both parents have decided that “kakak” (the helper) will have the responsibility of taking care of the child.
All parties need to know that if there are any complaints then you will hear out all sides so that no one side is favoured. If the child “bullies” kakak, then the child knows that there will be punishment involved.
What if you live with your in-laws and they say “No” to discipline? In such a situation, Patrick advises parents to discipline the child in private.
If the husband and wife have different standards, that's even more difficult but quite common, too. In that case, Patrick advises having a specialisation of labour. Both the parents would need to sit down and discuss it. Perhaps the mother would then have the final say on discipline issues at home and the father would have the final say on discipline when you go out.
It is important that both parents show the children a united front when disciplining. This way, the children will know they cannot break this unity and the authority figure is unshakeable.
Profanity
The use of profanity by children is increasingly a problem these days.
Instead of teaching children that they shouldn't use such words, it is better to teach them that they can choose to use better words, says Patrick.
“I would say to my child: 'I know that when you're very, very angry there are certain words that seem to almost make you feel good. I want to tell you that those words will only make you feel good for a little while. But what it goes forth to do can be very, very hurtful. I know it's so very difficult to control but the next time you are very, very angry you think about this and you can choose to scold people or to keep quiet or walk away.'
“Give them options so that from very young they know they can choose how to respond. When they know they can choose, they don't feel limited. In future, when they feel themselves getting upset, they don't just have one channel to let out their emotions; maybe they will have four channels because they have four options,” she says.
Teenagers
It is not too late to start disciplining a child once they reach adolescent years. However, Patrick advocates building the relationship first.
“Let's say you never built that relationship foundation during the growing years and now they are 10 years old and you have a rebellious child. Forget about discipline for a while. Instead, focus on building that relationship. My experience is that if you've never really disciplined them and then at 10 you want to start, whatever you do is very limited. You need to build the bridge until you earn their respect, then only can you think of discipline,” she says.
Patrick explains that with teenagers it is often hard to discern if they're trying to be an individual or rebellious.
“When they are teenagers don't just look at the outward change because even if they love you, they will never tell you. If they have to tell you thank you for everything then they won't feel like an adult. Being teenagers they want to feel like an individual and if they feel like they have to appreciate you then they are being less of an individual.
“If the child feels secure and proper space is given then the child feels like an individual. It's only when the child feels perpetually put down that he feels all the more he has to rise up to prove to you that he is an individual and an adult and that he needs his freedom,” she says.
Children need discipline
There's no way to avoid disciplining your children.
Patrick says, “I must discipline my child. That is my responsibility. You only push your child away when you keep punishing them but in the whole concept of discipline, there is not just punishment. There is also affirming them, standing by them when they fail, still believing in them, cheerleading them on, giving rewards, being with them and building that relationship.
“Research has proven that the moment you stop disciplining your child in the holistic sense, the child becomes highly insecure. A child needs boundaries to push and when you don't draw those boundaries for them they feel highly insecure.”
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